Sobering Up to Life
You don't have to hit rock bottom to realize you have a problem
Hey friends, it has been a while. I debated whether or not to write this and even more so on whether it is something I should share, but I think it’s important if for no other reason than to give myself some accountability. Maybe one of you reading this also get something from it. There is a lot of fear and stigma around the topic of addiction, but my guiding principle for 2025 is to live more bravely. I just finished reading This Naked Mind and at the end the author suggest sharing your story, so I’ll lean into the fear and put it all out there.
I started drinking at 18 years old, in my first week of college. It was about being social and fitting in. Alcohol took the edge off and made me far more care free (and stupid) during my first real experience of being away from home. It was amazing, fun, and dangerous. My school work was greatly impacted and I quickly found my way into joining the Army reserves. That experience may be the thing that saved me from myself, instilling a discipline that I didn’t realize I needed, but so desperately did. I got myself back on track physically and mentally, and developed the confidence in myself that has led me to have intensity and drive throughout the rest of my life. But, I was young, thought I was invincible, and went right back to a few bad habits.
Fast forward 30 years and I realize I’ve had a roller coaster ride with alcohol. I’ve gone through periods where I would fit into the category of “not a concern” all the way to getting a side eye and the doctor asking if I needed help stopping. Yes, that really happened. My takeaway? … I learned to be a little less honest in my annual physical. Last year I did Dry January and felt amazing on January 31st, only to justify to myself that it was OK to have a couple of drinks. I went 30 days, so of course I had it under control. I set rules for myself (a clear sign there is a problem), but within a month I was back to mid-week drinks, using a gym rest day as an excuse for that Tuesday night couple of beers. Over time, I realized that I was looking forward to the weekend, not because it meant more time away from the computer or working on hobbies, but because it meant I could spend more time drinking and watching movies, embracing the oblivion of disconnecting from reality for a few hours. The lie I told myself was that I was just unwinding after a hard week, relieving stress as it were.
While I wouldn’t classify myself as a heavy drinker, the reality is that I had developed a problem of using alcohol as a way to disconnect from the stress of life. The problem was that I found it was disconnecting me from the good in life as well. You don’t have to hit rock bottom to realize you have a problem. Thankfully, I’ve been mindful enough to recognize my pattens and know that I was on the way to a place I didn’t want to be, a person I don’t want to be. Several months ago, I set a goal for myself to be more present in my day to day, but between drinking and recovering from doing so (it began taking days to recover from even one or two nights of drinking), there was no chance for me to have the presence I wanted to achieve. Sadly, I also realized my dopamine paths were fried and I was no longer getting the same pleasure from my hobbies. In my head, I wanted to cook more, to make more music, to read more books, but ultimately the activity itself was unfulfilling. I could feel my cognition slowing and my motivation slipping away.
A few weeks ago I made the decision to do a Dry 90 challenge for myself. After last year, I knew that I needed to go longer than 30 days if I was going to establish a new habit of moderation. I set January 1 as my in-laws would be here through the holidays and there was no way I could be dry during that time; they drink quite a bit. I called it my week of debauchery. Within just a few days I was feeling terrible and pretty much felt the way the entire week. I drank way too much, every day, and honestly I am glad I did. Waking up in a fog every day, only to do it again, showed me exactly the life I have zero interest in living.
I have decided it is time to stop completely, and for good. No more alcohol, no more intoxicants of any kind. I want to be present, to lean into my hobbies (such as cooking and posting more here) and career, and to stop undoing all of the good things I do to improve myself with things that are completely antithetical to my goals.
So there it is. This isn’t a sober living blog, so I promise not to inundate you with a ton of content like this, but Home Cooked Happiness means cooking up our best life. I’m realizing more and more every day what exactly that means.